Just to let you know, I had about 7 hours of sleep last night, so I'm a tad bit wiped right now. And that's not helping that fact that I'm under a lot of stress from school and family and friends and NaNoWriMo and youth group and...uh...everything. (Including the fact that I have yet to do my math lesson for today. Yes, it is just about 8:00pm. Uuuuuggggghhhh.) I mean, it's not like family or friends are trying to put stress on me, of course. It's the expectations that I either subconsciously or quite consciously make of myself. The performance that I'm focused on. The belief that I can change myself, change my pride or fear or whatever, without God.
So...here are two questions Mrs. Rue asked us teen girls on her blog, In Real Life, that I'd like to share with - you can answer them, too, if you want. :)
1) What has me running right now? School. Totally. Each and every part of it (except History and a little of Bible, sort of - I'm behind in those and don't have any motivation to catch back up excepting my draw towards wanting to be perfect lest anyone love me less - what a sad, fearful lie I often believe). Also, friends, though for some reason my mind is constantly plagued by thoughts of friends that I hardly know and the want of their approval and acceptance instead of thoughts about some of my closest friends that I actually, really care about and love.
2) What am I only crawling toward that I'd really like to get up and leap to and embrace? Oh, just the thought of it makes me hopeful and hopeless at the same time - hopeful that I could embrace God's Presence in every moment of my life, hopeful that I could get my schoolwork completed with perfection (although that's not really important), hopeful that I could spend hours with each of my friends every single day (OK, totally not realistic and not extremely important either, in the way that I'm thinking of it), hopeful that I could spend more quality time with my parents and brothers, loving them and laughing with them, hopeful that I could somehow start, with a group of friends, reaching out to the community with God's love like I've never before, hopeful that I could be a better person...hopeless that I don't have the time, the energy, the drive, the strength, the intelligence, the talent, the ability, the perfection, everything required to 'be a better person'.
When I want to be a better me, I lose sight of God.
So right now...I'm lost. That's what God told me I need to be last night when I couldn't fall asleep until past midnight even though I got in bed at about 10. Lost. I didn't completely realize that until now. I was so mad at God for keeping me up that late and not letting me go to sleep when He knew very well that I needed the energy to be able to do my schoolwork. He whispered a word to me in the middle of my ranting: Lost.
God had and has another plan, one much more greater and wiser and more loving than I could ever imagine.
Good night, everyone. Oh, wait, are you a bit confused as to what 'lost' means? Well, I don't know. So since I can't tell you...I leave you with these words (and paraphrases) of One far wiser than I could ever be.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" Matthew 16:24-26 NIV
"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself?What could you ever trade your soul for?" Matthew 16:24-26 MSG
So...here are two questions Mrs. Rue asked us teen girls on her blog, In Real Life, that I'd like to share with - you can answer them, too, if you want. :)
1) What has me running right now? School. Totally. Each and every part of it (except History and a little of Bible, sort of - I'm behind in those and don't have any motivation to catch back up excepting my draw towards wanting to be perfect lest anyone love me less - what a sad, fearful lie I often believe). Also, friends, though for some reason my mind is constantly plagued by thoughts of friends that I hardly know and the want of their approval and acceptance instead of thoughts about some of my closest friends that I actually, really care about and love.
2) What am I only crawling toward that I'd really like to get up and leap to and embrace? Oh, just the thought of it makes me hopeful and hopeless at the same time - hopeful that I could embrace God's Presence in every moment of my life, hopeful that I could get my schoolwork completed with perfection (although that's not really important), hopeful that I could spend hours with each of my friends every single day (OK, totally not realistic and not extremely important either, in the way that I'm thinking of it), hopeful that I could spend more quality time with my parents and brothers, loving them and laughing with them, hopeful that I could somehow start, with a group of friends, reaching out to the community with God's love like I've never before, hopeful that I could be a better person...hopeless that I don't have the time, the energy, the drive, the strength, the intelligence, the talent, the ability, the perfection, everything required to 'be a better person'.
When I want to be a better me, I lose sight of God.
So right now...I'm lost. That's what God told me I need to be last night when I couldn't fall asleep until past midnight even though I got in bed at about 10. Lost. I didn't completely realize that until now. I was so mad at God for keeping me up that late and not letting me go to sleep when He knew very well that I needed the energy to be able to do my schoolwork. He whispered a word to me in the middle of my ranting: Lost.
God had and has another plan, one much more greater and wiser and more loving than I could ever imagine.
Good night, everyone. Oh, wait, are you a bit confused as to what 'lost' means? Well, I don't know. So since I can't tell you...I leave you with these words (and paraphrases) of One far wiser than I could ever be.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" Matthew 16:24-26 NIV
"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself?What could you ever trade your soul for?" Matthew 16:24-26 MSG
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